Category Archives: Child Development

Babysitter or Nanny? What’s the Difference?

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First, let me say this: there is nothing wrong with being a babysitter. I was one in high school. But today, I get quite annoyed when friends ask me “Do you have to babysit tomorrow?”.

I feel like when people ask me that, they are downgrading my work to something that I just kinda fell into, rather then an actual career path I studied really hard in school for. So why did I choose childcare? Why be a nanny? And what exactly IS the difference between a babysitter and a nanny? Is a nanny just a full-time babysitter?

I know it can be difficult to understand the differences between a babysitter and a nanny at first. Perhaps you haven’t been around children that much; or you are a first time parent and just beginning to learn about the different aspects of raising a child.  The greatest thing you can do for your infant is provide them with the best childcare you can afford; that includes a nanny, daycare and/or a stay-at-home parent/relative.

Having a solid understanding of the different types of childcare available before you begin your search will help to ease some of the stress, and allow you to find the best care for your child.

My short answer to the babysitter vs. nanny question: A babysitter keeps your kids alive, clean and fed. A nanny keeps your kids alive, clean and fed… as they help to develop social skills, cognitive and physical abilities while incorporating the parents’ philosophies and guidelines. 

My previous employer’s answer: “A babysitter is someone who comes to your house maybe for a few hours, plays for a bit but is basically there to make sure the walls are still standing when you get back. A nanny is someone is who takes the time to teach and care for your children, and that you’re 100% comfortable leaving your children with because you know they are in good hands.”

So what’s a nanny?

A nanny is a person who is has made a long-term commitment to the family they work for and is personally invested in the children for whom he/she is responsible, in a regular and ongoing arrangement.

A qualified nanny has gone through some kind of formal training, whether it is a college degree in child development or parenting courses. Nannies have monumental significance in the intellectual and emotional development of their young charges– and the best nannies know how to make the most of this to help the child(ren) achieve their maximum potential.

All day long, I am actively aware of my position and the importance of keeping my full attention on the little one with me– and it’s not just to make sure she’s not running out into the street. Whether it’s:

  • Keeping up verbal interaction, which is correlated with higher IQ
  • Making recommendations to the family for age-appropriate books, play, meals, outings, exploring
  • Finding opportunities to teach during playtime or while on outing
  • Keeping up with the latest studies and science on kid’s nutrition, behavior, development
  • I must also be aware of the child’s own self, of her sense of independence, emotions, opinions, and ideas. I must provide her with an safe environment where she can freely express herself without fear of failure, judgment or ridicule.

Now, along with keeping in mind all of that, I must also implement the values and ideas from the parents, to make sure that I am keeping the little one on the same path her parents want her to be on. This comes into play on so many levels:

  • Dietary concerns. Some of the guidelines from my current family: no fast food, organic whenever possible, but desserts and sweets are ok.
  • Discipline. With kids you have to pick your battles and your methods. How to deal effectively with biting, tantrums and other undesirable behaviors should be discussed.
  • Educational methods. Just as preschools have different philosophies, so do parents. My current family prefers play-based learning versus structured-academic.
  • TV and electronics. Is the family strictly against exposure to TV and computers? Or strictly for it, with TVs and smartphones always on? Or somewhere in the middle?

In summary, a nanny is a person is who not only committed to your child, but to your family as well.  Most nannies have many years of experience working with children, and some have an education in child development/psychology that they bring into their positions within families.  These are the nannies you want, a person who values and respects her job and her duties and has a full understanding of the influence they wield.

What’s a babysitter?

A babysitter is defined by limits: the duration of their exposure to your kids, the skills required, and the scope of responsibilities.  A sitter tends to have a short term, on-call presence in your children’s lives. There is minimal training necessary to be considered a qualified babysitter. A babysitter can be very fond of or even love your children, but he/she does not have any long-term responsibility for mental and emotional growth.

And because sitters typically do not spend significant time with the children, they don’t have the same level of knowledge of the parents’ philosophies. What should be done if Jack isn’t sharing with his sister? How does the family feel about fast food? What are the three most important learning activities for this age? A nanny should know the answer to all those questions. A sitter probably will not.

I hope that was helpful. Please let me know in the comments if you have any questions!

“Sleep Training”: A Kindness, Not a Cruelty

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It’s 7pm. Which best describes your world?

  1. Your cranky 1-year old is in your arms while you rock/sing/tear your hair out waiting for him to drop off
  2. Your cranky 1 year old is protesting in his crib; after 10 minutes he is now peacefully adrift in sleep

If your world sounds more like #2, chances are you have been regularly working on some form of sleep training. It’s unfortunate that the idea of sleep training has a bad rap in some circles, but I can see why. Its very name, along with another common term “crying it out”, both sound draconian and heartless. But trust me: it’s neither.

I have worked with many moms who initially reacted negatively to the idea, until we worked through what sleep training is and isn’t. In my opinion, sleep training really needs a good PR campaign to counteract the misinformation and misconceptions out there, because there are many documented benefits:

    • Research done by Van Ijzendoorn M. H.; Hubbard F. O. A. found that: “Contrary to our expectations, the more frequently mothers ignored
      their infants’ crying bouts in the first nine-week period, the less
      frequently their infants cried in the following nine-week period, even
      if intervening variables like earlier crying and synchronous
      responsiveness were controlled for. ‘Benign neglect’ of fussing may
      stimulate the emergent abilities in infants to cope with mild
      distress.”
    • Parents who sleep train their children, usually see improvements in their own stress levels, mood, and interactions with their children: “Following treatment, only positive side effects were observed. When compared to the wait-list group, mothers in the standard ignoring group reported less verbose discipline and decreased stress in parenting, while mothers in the graduated ignoring group reported improved parent/child relationships. Treatment gains were maintained over a 2-month follow-up period.” Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology

Most importantly, sleep training develops your baby’s ability to self-soothe. Self-soothing promotes independence, self-confidence even into adulthood (see study below on addiction)

From my experience, sleep training your infant as soon as possible is the way to go.  I like to have infants I work with sleep trained by the end of 3 months or early into the 4th month I like this time because most infants still enjoy being swaddled, which helps to soothe the child by adding the physical sensation of being held while falling asleep.

I usually begin with nap time as this is easier for me to gauge an infant’s response and determine if the time is actually right to begin sleep training. It also helps to take away some of the experience of stress a infant might exhibit before moving onto nighttime training with their parents, making it easier on both infants and parents.

It’s important to know that in no way are you harming your child. During a “crying it out” moment, your child is generally crying for two reasons:

  1. She does not know how to self-soothe herself yet.
  2. She is protesting the change through the only way she knows how.

The only way self-soothing can be learned is through crying it out, but it is such an important step, as self soothing is an important key factor in your child’s emotional health.  The ability to self soothe stays with your child into adulthood, as it can act as a defense against substance abuse, eating disorders, and many other compulsive disorders (Superbaby, Dr. Jenn Bermann).  Keep in mind that throughout this process, consistency is key and although hearing your child’s cries can be difficult, it is a necessary step.

So how do you know you and your baby are ready for sleep training?

  1. Is your baby older than 3 months?
  2. Is your baby no longer waking at night to feed?
  3. Does your baby have a regular sleep routine/schedule?
  4. Is your child free of any medical conditions that can affect his sleep?

If you answered  “yes” to the questions above, you are ready for this important milestone in your family’s life. See my post on sleep training 101 on what to do next!

 

 

Beyond Bottles and Diapers: The Most Important Things You Can Do for Your Newborn are…

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Child development quiz:

  1. The majority of human brain development is completed by a) birth b) age 5 c) age 26
  2. Talking to babies becomes a key step for cognitive development by a) the first day home b) 3 months c) 6 months
  3. Studies show that high-quality educational TV shows such as Sesame Street have a positive effect on babies’ learning abilities age 2 and under: True or false

We all know that showing love and affection to newborns are requirements. But what about long conversations? Playing Mozart? Watching Elmo sing the alphabet? Does any of it really matter or is it all part of the hovering, heli-parenting methods all too common today? Babies can’t understand what we are saying, and they certainly won’t have any memories of this period.

Turns out most of the brain’s core development happens after birth and continuing on up until the child’s 5th year. While our frontal lobe doesn’t fully mature until age 26, the core of “who we are” (personality, habits/behaviors, emotionality, physical health, IQ) is set by age 5, say the latest studies in child development.

That is why it’s so important for early cognitive and physical stimulation in the first few years of life. Every time you speak, express an emotion, show a behavior to a child (working out, brushing teeth, eating well, etc.) you’re building new synapses which become brain neurons: this is how they learn.

Think of your child as a blank slate or a sponge, just waiting to soak up limitless amounts of new information. Engagement should begin as early as day 1: your baby’s mind is waiting to be filled with everything you can teach them… good or bad!

Here are some examples of age-appropriate, cognitive stimulation from newborn to 6 months:

Talk: Speak to your infant constantly.  Don’t worry about the subject; it is just important that you speak directly to your child. The more you are actively engaged with your child the better for their development on all levels: emotional, cognitive, physical, and intellectual. Studies show the number of words that your baby is exposed to is positively correlated to IQ. Many experts recommend that your baby hear ~20,000 words a day.

And unfortunately, according to countless studies, watching Sesame Street does NOT count! From guidelines published just today by the American Academy of Pediatrics:

Watching television or videos is discouraged for babies younger than 2 because studies suggest it could harm their development, a pediatricians’ group said Tuesday. …it also warns parents that their own screen-watching habits may delay their children’s ability to talk.

“This updated policy statement provides further evidence that media — both foreground and background — have potentially negative effects and no known positive effects for children younger than 2 years,” it said. “Thus the A.A.P. reaffirms its recommendation to discourage media use in this age group.”

From the New York Times

Bottom line: there is no substitute for live, human interaction. Mari tip: It can be difficult to keep up a one-sided conversation. To keep it going, I like to narrate what I am doing. “I’m making you some yummy breakfast now. I’m getting a spoon out of the drawer.” Once you get in the habit of it, it becomes very natural.

Read:  It’s never too early!  Even though reading may seem strictly recreational for a newborn, the stimulation you are giving to your child is incredibly rich and multi-faceted.  Reading early to your child also helps to support earlier language and literacy in children as well as many other skills such as communication, listening, memory, and vocabulary.

Reading also helps to promote gross motor functions, such as pincer grasp, pointing, and hand coordination.  Let your child turn the pages and handle the book themselves, giving them a chance to work on their hand-eye skills. Mari tip: I try to read at least 10-20 books throughout the course of a day. Sounds like a lot, but many children’s books take only a minute or two to finish.

 Music: Classical music is a fun supplemental method for mapping new neural and cognitive pathways and aural stimulation, even during fetal development.

You may find it surprising to know that some babies after birth are able to recognize sounds, voices, and songs they heard while in the womb. Classical music is also proven to lower stress and blood pressure in infants.

French researcher, Dr. Alfred A. Tomatisin, in his 1991 book “Pourquoi Mozart?” explored the music of Mozart, coining the phrase, “Mozart Effect”. Similar studies have found that after playing four different kinds of music before people went in to take tests, some had silence and 20 minutes of other music while others had classical music, those who heard Mozart did better on the test. It’s kind of like warming up the brain. Brain is a muscle that needs to be constantly exercised, and classical and other more complex types of music are better for achieving higher brain functioning.

A 1996 study titled “The Effect of Selected Classical Music and Spontaneous Imagery on Plasma B-Endorphin,” explored the effect of music. What they were looking to determine was if silence, music alone, or music with guided verbal imagery could cause a decline of stress hormones. Their research found a significant decline in the hormone in the group of volunteers that used music.

Children’s brains between the ages of 0-5 are twice as active as our own. What they need more than anything is regular exposure to cognitive and physical stimulation via new experiences and allowances for exploration. Providing constant engagement and interaction is the best way to encourage your baby’s mind to reach its full potential.

The Science of Positive Parenting and the Empowered Child.

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I know in this day and age it seems as if we’re constantly bombarded by theories, techniques, and trendy beliefs about parenting. There is attachment parenting, free-range parenting, Babywise parenting. How do you know which method is best?

In my experience, one technique called “Positive Parenting” has always has the most success. (Note that as a Nanny, I would never take the place of a parent, but as a caregiver I employ parenting practices with children in my care.)

So what is Positive Parenting?  Positive Parenting stems from the school of Positive Psychology, whose key idea is that building a strong sense of well-being will provide the esteem and confidence needed for a happy life.  Positive Parenting uses this idea to nurture and support a child’s own well being by fostering empowerment and independence.  When children have a positive state of mind, they are healthier and happier than those who do not, and are able to self-regulate their own feelings better.

From a recent study by OSU and Eugene based Oregon Social Learning Center:

“The researchers found that children who had parents who monitored their behavior, were consistent with rules and were warm and affectionate, were more likely to have close relationships with their peers, be more engaged in school, and have better self-esteem.”

Taken from: Science Daily

There are many ways to empower your child. Empowerment teaches your child to be responsible for their own actions, and by being accountable for their own decisions, it provides a strong foundation for independence which is key in positive parenting.

Now, when I say “responsible” and “accountable” I mean within reason, because there are some decisions best left to the grown ups!  There are however, simple decisions you can allow your toddler to make on their own, from a very early age.  Such as:

  • Choosing their own snack
  • Deciding on an activity
  • Picking out clothes to wear

Those are all great ways to establish your child’s independence and confidence in themselves.  In doing this, even in the small ways, your child will learn to accept both good and bad consequences for their own decisions. And because they feel a part of the decisionmaking, you will see more cooperation from them.

For example, Little B (just turned 2) really wanted to go to the zoo last week.  But she would not sit still and there was so much to do before we headed out.  So I gave her two options: ”‘We can stay home and you can run around and play inside, OR you can come with me now to get your shoes and socks on so we can leave for the zoo. It’s your choice.” She went into her room and patiently sat as I put her shoes and socks on. Shortly afterwards, we were headed to the zoo.

What I love about Positive Parenting is that it involves both the caregiver and the child to reach a satisfactory conclusion.  Sure, I could have picked little B up and dealt with her struggles while I put on her shoes. I know she wants to go to the zoo, so why not shortcut the process and just make her do the right thing? After all she’s only a toddler. But to do so would have resulted in the following:

  1. She learns that people will disregard her opinion whenever it is convenient for them.
  2. She feels frustrated and powerless.

Toddlers act out when they feel frustrated. This is often the trigger for tantrums. It is hard to think of them as miniature people, who have their own internal world of desires, feelings and concerns, but that is how we should treat them.

So what to do when you want your toddler to do something they are resisting entirely, like bedtime or ending playtime? Many times it is still possible to give them choices… but instead of whether they do it, it’s in how they do it. For example Little B loves to play in the yard. Once she is out there, she never wants to come back inside. So when it is time, I do two things:

  1. I give her advance notice. “10 minutes and we go inside for lunch!” “5 minutes to lunch!” Etc.. In the adult world we call this a heads up. Everyone, including toddlers, can appreciate the courtesy of a heads up.
  2. I give her some kind of choice in the action: “Little B, it is time for lunch. Do you want to walk in by yourself or do you want me to carry you?” Or “Do you want to take a toy in with you or leave it here for later?”

Another key aspect of Positive Parenting is that you value and praise the good behaviors and ignore the negative.  Rather than constantly saying, “No”; repeatedly threatening your child; and failing to follow through with consequences, try a little bit of positive parenting and through praising the positive behaviors in the moment you can actually influence your child from using negative behaviors in the future.

Another great example is from a recent dinner I had with my sister and nephew.  My nephew was all over the place…the majority of his food was flying across the table and not going into his mouth.  Rather than threatening him with going home if “you do that one more time” or if “you don’t sit nice in your seat”, I gave him a choice.

“Vincent, we can stay here, eat a nice dinner and you can have a yummy treat if you listen well and follow the rules, OR we can go home right now with no treat because you chose not to listen, it’s your choice. Up to you.”

He soon was sitting nicely eating his dinner, and as soon as I saw him following through, I praised him for his efforts and told him I appreciated his good listening.  This seemed to make him quite proud of himself, as he had the biggest grin and was so happy to show me he ate all of his meal.  Right after, it was my turn to follow through with my promise to him and we went for dessert.

Something else I could have done as sort of a preventive measure, would be to catch him right when he’s acting appropriately and praise his behavior at that moment. If I had done that I might have been able to avoid getting all that flying food stuck in my hair!

Positive parenting can be a parent’s best defense and offense. If used correctly, and is such a valuable gift for your little one.

 

The Most Common Questions from Parents about Infants: A Nanny’s Perspective

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Your baby is literally changing every day. Just when you’ve mastered one problem, another is sure to pop up. Whether it’s sleep training, feeding, nursing, crawling, walking, or whining the same thing always happens…just when you think you have a routine down, BANG just like that your baby decides to throw you for a mile long loop and completely change it all up you!! Do they do this on purpose? No. Do they do this out of frustration? No. Do they do this because you’ve done something wrong? No.

Here are some of the questions that parents ask me over and over. You’ll notice two common themes: 1) it’s normal! 2) fostering independence in your child is key to encouraging self-confidence, ability to self-soothe and achieving developmental milestones.

1. Q: I can’t do anything. I can’t leave my baby’s sight or he starts wailing and screaming…what should I do? I can’t get anything done if I’m carrying him around all day, but I don’t want to hurt him.

A: Infants rely on their caregivers as sort of a homebase for their exploration, learning, and emotions. So it is completely normal for a infant/child to fuss when their main caregiver ventures out from their proximity. But this fussing is not unhealthy for your child: it is simply their way of calling out to you, to get a response or validation that you have not disappeared completely and that you will be back.

Remember, infants and young children have a very limited means of communication. They can coo, whine or cry with not much in between, especially in the beginning. They can’t say “Are you coming back? Where are you?”. So fussing and whining are completely normal as it is the only way they can express their emotions.

When you walk into the other room and suddenly hear a shout or a cry…try this: while staying in the room you’re in, calmly say, “I hear you sweetheart, Mommy is right here…I just have to get this done and then I’ll be right back in. I love you!” If they still fuss a bit you can sing them their favorite song while taking care of your task and of course as soon as you’ve finished, go back in and he/she will be so very happy to see you.

The whining and crying may sound pitiful and awful, but just say to yourself: I am not hurting my baby and he is not heartbroken, it is just his way of communicating.

By responding with assurance and acknowledging  your child’s uneasiness you are both validating their emotional self and helping to support their own sense of independence.  The more you practice this tactic, the easier it will be on your child if you need to leave their line of vision. Sometimes, all it takes is an “I hear you” even for us grown ups!!!

2. Q: What do I do about temper tantrums?

A: Well, that depends on the age of your child. In children under the age of 1, you have two choices:

  1. redirect and distract with something else or
  2. simply ignore the tantrum until it’s over.

I know it’s difficult, but as I mentioned above, children this age cannot express their needs or wants verbally. During this age, you do tend to hear the screaming and see a bit of resistance, and even some physical aggression can occur.

This is all completely normal, but the best advice is to maintain your patience with your child and remember that they are little humans who might not always want to do what we want them to. It is important to allow your child to express themselves fully very early on in life…even though tantrums, crying, fussing are annoying to us, before the age of 1 it’s instinctual and so important for healthy emotional development.

3. Q: Should I help my child learn to crawl?

A: No. Children will develop naturally at their own pace. Some crawl earlier than others, some later than others. Some crawl on all fours, some drag themselves along the floor…it just depends on the individual child. I know it’s difficult to watch a young infant try so hard to get up on all fours, only to plop right back down full of frustration. But your child is learning by falling; not only is she learning to crawl, but through her failures she is learning self-soothing, problem solving, and more about her own independence.

4. Q: What is going on with his sleeping? I had him sleep trained last month and now his naps and night time routine are all over the place!

A: You will find that your child’s sleep patterns will change many, many, many times throughout their youth. When a child is about to enter into a new cognitive stage their physical patterns are usually disturbed. You can gauge what is the right solution by determining where your child is at cognitively. Is she beginning to remember things that happened earlier on in the week or able to pretend easily now? If so, perhaps she is beginning to dream. Having bad dreams can upset her in the night and cause her to wake in the dark, not recognizing where she is. Try keeping a night light on see if that helps to find her way back to dreamville when she wakes suddenly.

Or if the child can turn pages by himself, I start including a couple books in the crib with a small night light.

Books allow the baby to distract and eventually soothe himself to sleep after being put down or a 2am wakeup. Via the video monitor, I have watched babies “read” in their crib before dropping off, which is the cutest thing ever.

Lastly, try to re-evaluate their sleep schedules every 10-12 months. If they’ve been going to bed at 7:00 pm since birth and they are now almost two, maybe they are ready for a later bedtime. You just have to leave room for adjustments in all your routines, and keep in mind that disruptions are normal.